People are always hating. No matter who you are, there’s someone out there that would be absolutely disgusted by you, your beliefs, or how you view the world. So I got to thinking about the various things that seem to help one avoid being hated on. The alibis of society if you will. While this list shouldn’t be much of a surprise once you think on it, it is kind of humorous to consider.

When you’re a kid, it seems like the ultimate alibi is having good grades in school. Like the fellas in Better Luck Tomorrow, “as long as our grades were there we were trusted”. You can steal, skip, smoke, sell drugs, have sex in the bathroom and cuss out a teacher if you are a straight A student. For the most part anyway , , , I can cite first hand examples of people doing them all, and if you can’t, you’re a tool.

Furthermore, school is in many ways a microcosm of society. One can start to draw simple parallels between these behaviors and the alibis that protect them in the ‘real world’. How about one that works when you’re young and really works when you’re older? Good athlete. If you’re a good athlete, even if it’s only the BMOC complex in your small little part of the world, you can get away with quite a bit. Teachers will boost your grades (possibly under duress of a fat man in gym shorts). People will overlook your discretions. The cops will give you a break - at least they should, what the fuck is wrong with Columbia, MO? When you pull over a car and Jeremy Maclin is in it, you shake his hand and send him on his way. Revered athletes can gamble, cheat, steal, kill, do copius amounts of drugs and alcohol, and get the special treatment. Alibi.

Back to those that the average man has a better shot at using - how bout good looks? If you are attractive you get the benefit of the doubt in most life situations. How about race? Depending on your time and place in history, it’s probably going to be beneficial to be of one race and not another. This is blatantly obvious and switches as quickly as the local weather (as to which side you “should” be on). Race can be an alibi. Isn’t that sad? That’s humans for you.

Along the same lines as race is religion. If you get confronted by someone with a knife, you better have the right answer to “Which God is your God?”. Just the same as dating someone - grandma ain’t going to like it if your little sex partner is Lutheran when you’re family is Jewish. No alibi.

What I’m saying is, as soon as a point of conflict arises in any situation, you want to be able to provide as many useful alibis to benefit your case. “Man, why you going to call me out? I’m a straight A student who loves Jesus and could throw a ball over that building. I’m cool.”

A lot of domestic crap can be used as an alibi in this sense as well. Having money. Being married. Owning a house. Having kids. I just envision news reports and talking heads coming down on people because they are clearly not a participant in the circles that do any number of these honest, hard working things. In a question of character or wrong doing, people will look at you different based on how many check marks you can accumulate on the side of these “good” alibis.

Consider yourself warned. It’s like Super Mario though, you can head out and collect alibi coins any time you want. If you have the chance, I say go get ‘em. Cause you know as well as I do that they don’t mean shit when it comes to other people determining a person’s actions, thoughts, or motivations. They just plain look good.