There’s no doubt that the 20-something American male communicates better amongst his peers using movie quotes than actual, original statements. They make us laugh, they allow us to identify with one another, they let us express things emotionally that we have no idea how to get across otherwise. Every circle of friends has their own little array of quotes that defines them.

And let me say - quotes are always better when shared with a friend. You can’t have much fun sitting around quoting shit to old women or apparent savages who haven’t had the time to watch any of the mid-90’s comedies (or 80’s) thirty-seven times since the year 2000.

Case in point: Perhaps the most agonizing day of my entire academic life came a year or two ago when I had to take this moronic Management class at Mizzou. I didn’t show up until day 3 or so, and I had to fill out one of those “Get to Know You” sheets that the grad student teacher wants for their personal file. First of all, it had some question about “career aspirations” and I took that opportunity to let them know I already have the greatest job in the world and oh by the way I make (way) more than the tenured professor they jerk off in the afternoons. Then, at the bottom, I saw the greatest question ever asked of me while in school: “What do you want on your tombstone?”.

Yeah, it’s a pizza commercial. If that’s all you see then leave my blog and never come back . . . Ok, for those still here, what an array of quotes dazzled before my eyes! Royal Tenenbaum was an early favorite. Orange County. I thought about tying in hand-crafted obits that detailed how a character had humorously passed. Every movie with a funeral scene ran through my head. But in the end, I had to come back to old faithful, the most perfect fit for this question. I wrote:

“Shot in the back by Buford Tannen over a matter of 80 dollars.”

I have never felt more complete in my life. The teacher collected my profile along with a few other stragglers who were making their Management 829954 debut that morning and began reading them aloud. (So our peers could get to know us and later we could have a Subway sandwich in Brady). She gets to mine and stares at the paper confused for at least a minute. Then she skips over it! Fucking cunt. Ruined my day, ruined my opportunity for the perfect quote, and basically left me deflated emotionally to this very day.

Damn you grad student teacher lady. Have fun working at Toys ‘L Us you twinkie biotch and may you never understand the beauty of the connection of two grown boys finding perfect harmony in a few good quotes. Remember - do it with a friend, it’s more fun for both of you!