Right up there with starting a paper route and opening a lemonade stand, starting a lawn mowing business is a good ole American display of ingenuity usually reserved for the neighborhood kids. The funny thing is, I’ve heard stories through the years of people making a really good living off lawn care. Obviously the companies handling the vast corporate lawns adjacent to our highways are bringing in some $$. But with the right marketing plan and a willingness to get off your ass and work, it’s a commendable project for any entrepreneur. Read about successful lawns in St. Louis here.

You can laugh all you want about it, wonder how serious I am really being when I say this, but consider some of the upsides of having a lawn care company. First of all, it’s a service that just about everyone needs/wants, and they do so on a weekly basis here in St. Louis. The American Dream didn’t come with a turf lawn or a paved one (That would be cool though). Old people are obsessed with their lawns and their plants and their gardens. Take their money.

Doing lawn care work is also generally low-skill. You don’t have to interview potential employees based on their college degree or GPA. You just need people that will work hard and work fast. The business is also hyper-local, and you can bring in some serious cash inside a very small area. Sell to the area you know best. You live in it. That’s an advantage for sure.

It’s also something you can put an ample amount of time into and still have a regular full-time job. Cut, aerate and fertilize on the weekends. Or perhaps in the early morning or early evenings on weekdays. And for another kicker, you can typically get paid in cash. I hear that can be beneficial when you logon to Turbo Tax each year.

So while I’m generally an internet entrepreneur-type, I’d be more than happy to be running a lawn care biz any time. My boy Tim is even using the lawn care SERPs to supplant his business and it’s working well. Maybe there’s a chance to cash in for ranking #1 for ’st. louis lemonade stand’ after all.

I think the most important takeaway is to consider that a lot of budding entrepreneurs out there spend too much time worrying about finding an innovative idea to make them rich. Re-inventing the wheel is all good, but you don’t have to do that to become rich. You don’t have to do that to do something commendable. Maybe you’ve got a new twist or a slick marketing angle, but most successful businesses are still at their core something very traditional. Lawn care, financial services, retail items. It might not make headlines, but headlines don’t buy beach condos or early retirement. Cash does.

Is anyone really extraordinary? Aside from our closest of kin, who play such instrumental roles in our daily lives, it seems like every other outward human act has been cheapened and overplayed in our world.

On a local scale, the children inside our formative schools are given lavish praise (and the accompanying bumper stickers) for average schoolwork. They are held back from dodgeball but never ‘held back’ a grade. Don’t fuck with our kids’ self-esteem the parents cry. It’s all they have in the world.

Just the same, everyone has an old teacher or an old coach that would swear to this day that their old star was the most gifted human on Earth. If the Earth is the size of your zip code that is. And we are all just as guilty, the once star pupils, who over a glass of wine or beer couldn’t think of anything more exciting to discuss than our accomplishments in the glory days. “Well yes, friend, that is interesting. But you don’t understand, I was awesome. We did it different where I came from. Let me tell it . . .”

In grander settings reside the men and women who live inside our TV sets, laptops, cell phones, movies and newspapers. Aren’t they extraordinary? I’m beginning to question that more than ever. (Okay, I almost always have. But you’d have to be pretty stupid to not do so now.) With the vigilant media chasing them (read: $$), scandals of cheats and drug users and greedy businessmen are told to America every day.

There’s no shield to hide the ordinary behind anymore, and the self-esteem props only saturate the problem. The visibly ordinary continue to try to fool you into seeing them as extraordinary. The supposedly extraordinary are scrambling to find the vanished shield that once protected the humanness of legends past.

A little more closely I flow . . .

Politics/History.
No space beyond this sentence will be wasted here talking about the foot-tapping senator or BJ Clinton, but you can think about that as part of it. I’m more inclined to discuss the lavish praise placed on contemporary golden boy Barack Obama. I’ve loved the guy from the moment I knew he might run in ‘08, not because of what he might put together in his campaign for policy change but moreso because his election would be a symbolic step for America to me. Since last week’s Iowa caucus, pundits have been praising his speech that night as something of legend. A speech of quality and hope most recently paralleled by a man named King.

I watched that speech and I though it was nice. But it didn’t strike me as anything extraordinary. Am I the one that is numb or does this indifference affect more people? I have an Obama t-shirt in my closet. I’ve never voted but I’ll go stand in line with all those stinky old people in November and pencil him in. I am a fanboy. But he simply sounded like a smart dude who was feeding a bunch of poetic bullshit to the TV cameras. I didn’t hear change in those words. I heard what I expected to hear. Nothing more.

What about the sultans of history, their accomplishments and legacies so often debunked by modern scholars? I think most of us have become aware that the lovey-dovey recounts of American history taught to us in our formative years omit quite a bit of the story. Interesting to consider.

Sports.
Mr. Cratchit we’re going to need more coal for the fire. 3 things here - Obviously steroids is a big speakeasy topic these days. Every record since I was 7 years old in baseball and football seems tainted. These aren’t extraordinary men and heroes to young and old, not completely. They are talented people with some distinctly unnatural advantages. I mean, I don’t really care if they take steroids or not but it does make that hypothetical young lad from 1948, sitting in the stands cheering on Musial or DiMaggio seem lucky. Those athletes could seemingly be special all on their own, without the cloud of drugs hanging over their games and leagues.

Also, if you tune to a lovely American football match in this day you should be prepared to be inundated with hyped up (roid breakfast + disillusioned coach pep talks), uber dudes that upon breaking up a pass, tackling someone in the 1st quarter, or running 2 yards into the end zone untouched will break out in incessant chest bumping and theatrics which may or may not have included a rehearsal. They know they are on TV. Yeah, over 100,000 people have made that same play in the last 30 years (no joke) but they are on top of the world. Ordinary, no sir. They will be trying to get laid off that one play starting tonight and riding that shit out til 2038.

On a somewhat different note, the pervasiveness of corporate interests and advertising in sports makes the experience less special and less something the fan can consider their own. It can be subtle, like with the ads out in right field or along the dasher boards, or it can be ear-ringingly annoying like the sponsorship of the stadiums and bowls or the pop music at every whistle. We’re always reminded it’s a business, not a fairly land of heroes and battles.

Reality TV and UGC. Hell, this blog.
Everyone wants to be a star (gotta get back to the glory days with old teach/coach). Lately, people get to be on television and feel like they are just that. They chase it. They watch it. On the internet, we can upload amateur videos, which don’t even have to be pornographic anymore, for a chance at recognition. The internet makes celebrities. I’ve seen some of their names. Bloggers. The headline game. It’s tiring . . .

Fin.
My attention span is waning at present, but this seemed relevant. I think there’s a lot more to this discussion. On the more playful end are things like Girls Gone Wild, Guitar Hero / Rock Band, iPods, ringtones. The things that make us feel extraordinary but in reality are anything but. Religion. Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll? It’ll take a lifetime to ponder it all. Meet me at the finish line with Pac and some cheddar, word.

Interview with a Friend is an ongoing feature on TheGreatSuccess.com

This week we have a little pow-wow with No. 5, Jay Buerck.  I think most of you know him as the fellow who much enjoys a good sports match and some on-again/off-again drinking for a side order.  He and I sat down on the virtual couch to see what was up.  Enjoy.

TGS: If you will indulge me, please answer the following riddle . . .

Marching band is:
A. Not a sport.
B. Something that hurts your libido.
C. Pathetic.
D. Exactly what the cool kids do.

JB: Is this a true/false question?

TGS: Please compare and contrast the qualities of the Sony Viaio and a Dell Inspiron 9400 (or similar).
JB: I have never used a Dell Inspirion, but according to reports I heard it is the greatest laptop that the company can buy.  I  myself bought this computer, which by the way, you will never see files from unless I leave the company willingly.

TGS: Last year you had a stroke.  You like golf, but you usually get mad about each and every stroke.  I hear you don’t much like to stroke yourself.  Coincidence?
JB: Actually the stroke happened in May of 2006 and I have been much less passionless.  Of course this could be that you have broken me with your laid back dont give a crap about anything attitude.  As for stroking myself….

TGS: Tell me about your first day at ShowMe Tickets.
JB: I don’t remember much about the first day but I do remember the first week.  I had an individual call me to yell at me because they were stupid enough to pay 3x the ticket price on a Memphis Grizzlies ticket.  He must have been psychic because he called me a cracker.  I mean do I sound that white even on the phone.

TGS: Of all the recent trips we’ve been on, what has been your favorite and why?
JB: I would say the NYC trip.  I remember you, me, and the Brazilian.  I think about the Brazilian every day.

TGS: Would you rather ‘off’ someone or roll up a fresh towel and smoke it?
JB: I would have to go with off someone.  I can’t indulge anymore.

(Editor’s Note: Yeah, I bet.)

TGS: What do you have to say to all the haters out there who keep calling you a mad hater?  You’re right up there with getting your best friend’s girl pregnant and trickin’ the motherfucker into raisin’ it.  Hate on?
JB: Wait, did I just take the red pill?

TGS: “I admit, I took this job because I wanted to get down and shake my rumpf, but I do not believe that this dilemma will be solved by party-ing.”  Would you say that sums up your experience in college?  Think about it - Van Wilder spent 7 years working towards his degree, it alludes to taking a job over going to class, but yet it says it won’t solve the dilemma (getting a degree).  And it’s in an Indian accent, which hints at the co-workers you had.  That’s nutshell quality.
JB: I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Of course, I didn’t have Tim Matheson as a father or a Real World cast member in the waning seconds of his 15 minutes of fame as a friend.

TGS: In less than 22 words, what are your thoughts on the Cardinals for 2008?
JB: Throwin it back to the days of Ozzie Smith and a bunch of crap to fill Augie Busch’s pockets like Dewitt Jr.

TGS: In less than 16 words, what are your thoughts on Mizzou football this year?
JB: Cupcake schedule + Perfect Timing = Historical Season + Unachievable future expectations

TGS: In as many words as you want, what are your thoughts on redheaded Midwesterners that work in online marketing?
JB: Recent reports show that redheads will go extinct one day much like the NHL on ESPN.  Sad days are ahead of us.

TGS: You’ve stated that you will move from our country if a Republican is elected next year.  Or something like that.  What was it again?
JB: I would move if a Republican and with the recent surge to the top of Huckabee that doesn’t seem likely.  I mean we already have one religious nutjob in the office, we don’t need another one who actually thinks he is Jesus.

TGS: You ever going to get those jeans hemmed?
JB: Ask me again in 2 months.

TGS: What was the problem with the ‘07 version of O’Snaps versus the ‘06 version?  We played like shit last year.
JB: I blame it on two things, the loss of Will Ball and the addition of Birk.  Oh, and the game where we let Nolte start the game as pitcher.  That was genius.

TGS: Should we take another crack at it in ‘08?  I feel like people will be busy.
JB: I think we were relegated last year weren’t we?  And my agent won’t allow me to play in anymore League One games, bad for endorsements.

TGS: Southeast MO is neither a boot nor a heel, yet it sucks there.  Why?
JB: Two words, Jet Stream

TGS: Name your 5 most favorite things in the world.
In no particular order:
1. The Wire
2. The Cardinals
3. San Diego
4. Tailgating
5. Going to the gym

TGS: Backscratcher?
JB: We were at the beach, everybody had matching towels….you know the rest

TGS: Word up.  Grow that mustache, this ain’t no peep show.

Try all 3, and give a little love to Lawrence and RateItAll.com with this Peroni widget.

Beer on RateItAll

The ironic t-shirt phrase phase of ‘02-’05 may have come and passed, but I’ve got a nostalgic appreciation for these state shirts I stumbled across yesterday. Either the internet was making me slap happy, or some of these are legitimately funny, especially the probably unintentional misuse of ‘our’ in Wyoming. Take them for what you will . . .

And never forget about your trip to Hermouth, NY.

Fear. Powerful word and an even more powerful emotion. There were some good posts on blogs I like to read about fear this week, particularly about recognizing its effect on our behavior and our striving for accomplishment. Although you may not be an aspiring writer, the advice bestowed by old Copyblogger here is wise. And Aaron Wall (from the world of SEO) followed up with this nice fortune cookie:

Many of my projects have went far slower than they should have, largely because I have been far too busy, but also because I have let fear, laziness, and routine guide me toward accepting the needed excuses to wait until tomorrow. Once you get beyond self sustaining it is easy to sit comfortable and make up fake work just to keep yourself busy.

I like. I think these guys are completely right. And what about these gems:

“You and your kiss ass chorus following you around going, “The Field’s Medal! The Field’s Medal!” Why are you still so fuckin’ afraid of failure?”

“What if they said “Get outta here kid, you got no future.” I just don’t think I could take that kind of rejection . . . Jesus, I’m starting to sound like my old man.”

Don’t not do things out of fear of failure. And even if you’re one of the cool guys that already does that, don’t idle because of contentment or unexplored fears of the unknown, failure, or rejection. Werd.

Interview with a Friend is an ongoing feature on TheGreatSuccess.com

So I know you what you’re thinking - “He doesn’t have more than 3 friends?” No dammit, Nolte just thought it would be fun to flip the script once and interview me for a change. I still have plans to hit all of you up with bone-jarring questionnaires. And as I am thrilled to see that this site is still up and functioning after a brief hiatus, let us get on with the post. You’ll remember Tom from the first installment of Interview with a Friend. This time, he’s dropping the question marks.

TN: “Because of you eew ew eeewwwwww I’m afraid”….. (finish this thought)
NB: That there’s no place like home.

TN: In the previous statement I was quoting not Kelly Clarkson but Kelly and Reba. So, going from that, who do you see your self more as?
NB: The only person I know from popular culture named “Reba” is that 68-year-old country twanger that I believe was last seen with a Channel 11 sitcom. I guess I’m like Kelly Clarkson because she’s not older than my grandma. I do love when they dub her shit over cutaways from the California coast to girls walking into shops. Their names flash on the bottom left hand corner. Even though they are the main characters and this is the 32nd episode. What if they did that on Roseanne? Darlene comes down the stairs and we get a “DARLENE – Roseanne’s Younger Daughter”.

TN: Do you know how to mend chicken wire?
NB: I helped Kyle make a chicken coop during one of our learning lab classes. They use chicken wire in place of glass on the roller rink in Lincoln, NE. That’s the extent of my knowledge on chicken wire.

TN: Are you hard? And if so, how hard are you?
NB: Somewhat. I’m as hard as feeling good about yourself in the presence of other humans. I’m as hard as 76-29. Feed me robot juice, play the hook.

TN: I notice how much you like spending 75 bones on a t-shirt lately, do you ever think you’ll own your own sweat shop?
NB: Now see I know you just wanted to bring up some style question after I made that ’03 comment, but I haven’t been getting those t’s lately. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been getting other crap. I’m well aware that I have a crack-like addiction to spending money on clothes and I have no idea how to stop it. I find comfort in knowing that it was a problem well before I had any money at all. That’s how I know it’s really me in there.

I used to empty my bank account for jeans and so I know that when all the fun stops I’ll be left cold and alone with a slim fitting set of Paper Denims. I’m okay with that. And truth be told, all my favorite shirts are from Goodwill or were free. Of course if I were you and Mike those two characteristics would go hand in hand eh (must you steal from them)?

TN: Should I wear a cape more often?
NB: Absolutely. If you wore a cape, people would always have their eyes on you. Always be interested in what THAT guy is doing. You’d be a damn celebrity and eventually you could parlay that into financial benefit. All these people going to school and joining clubs, just put on a cape and put yourself in the public eye and eventually you’ll be better for it. Look at the towel man.

TN: Explain to the locals why you have so much respect for trees.
NB: Trees are quiet and they are wise. They were here before us and they will be here partying it up long after we’ve gone the way of corduroy. They take a lot of shit from people, have their numbers dwindled by murderous crews seeking profit or idleness, and they hold strong. I think there’s an unspoken amount of respect among us all when we look up at a big tree, problem is they can be hard to find for many of us, which is the other aspect that fuels my unwavering respect.

If there’s a big tree to your left, chances are you’re in a neighborhood with some good history. Brick houses. A story. Or you’re out in untouched land. In between lies the plasticated, soulless advance of sprawling commerce and row houses. It’s all relative to your time and place - but god bless the trees.

TN: If you could be a member of B.O.N.E. which member would you be and why?
NB: The one that comes in right after Biggie on Notorious Thugs. He seems to rap the fastest. Although Krayzie is good too.

TN: As you can tell from my questions, I seem to have a severe case of A.D.D. Is this a made up disease by a bunch of damn stinkin’ hippies or is it a valid sickness?
NB: Hippies don’t create diseases, they create annoyances. ADD is not a disease. It’s progress, can’t you see it?

TN: Are you down with the sickness (in general, not related to the last question)
NB: Man . . . I guess so. Is it on Kidz Bop yet?

TN: Who is your role model?
NB: I have many – Jeff Lenzen, Brant Bukowsky, Tom Nolte, and some combination of my dad and Russell from Stillwater.

TN: We used to hang out at one point in time. Do you have any memories that you would like to share with the public about our episodes?
NB: Well, kicking you down that hill was great. A Monday night in 2003. Your inability to open a door to vomit. The years 2004-2005 can’t really be rehashed in one sitting. This one night where I was driving us home and you were in the backseat just cracking yourself up, but I couldn’t laugh cause Kristi was in the front and not happy about the situation. I’m sorry, I suck at this because I loved them all.

TN: Let’s pretend for a second we are celebrating Festivus. We have made it to the airing of grievances and it is your turn.

NB:
Tim: We never lift weights or swim at your house anymore and it makes me feel lonely.
Tom: Sometimes I’m scared you’re going to move to an outlying county and I won’t ever see you again.
Chuck: I hate how you are so content in life. Teach me.
Mike: You grow your hair out and it looks cool but I can’t. Why?
B-Check: You’re hot, you’re cold, black and white. Live in the gray.
Brant: This isn’t over and it’s not going to be until something big happens.

TN: If you ever become a multi millionaire do you think you will lose all of the hair on your head and the try to compensate with facial hair?
NB: I think I will make half-ass attempts at all 3 of the things you mention above and never fully get to any of them. I’ll probably have $800,000, a receding yet present hairline and 3 day old stubble that I’m about to shave.

TN: Are you a dollar menuaire?
NB: I think that’s a toilet option in our loft.

TN: Who is in your line up, and why?
NB: I wish I could drop an audio file of you announcing these. I need a sport though. Maybe SEGA hockey? This is probably the All-Time First Team from our Boulder days:

C – Nick Lachey
RW – Tom Fitzgerald
LW – Dean Youngblood
RD – Jeff Labowski
LD – Herme Kadsopolous
G – Julie ‘the Cat’

Although I really hate putting one of Will’s stupid characters on the list. Black actors? I’ll make them the L.A. Kings? What is wrong with that kid.

TN: I have to ask the famous question. What is your favorite experience with me (hopefully nonsexual)?
NB: Cutting across the neutral zone, you coming from behind the net and hitting me with a pass. Seriously.

TN: About you:

TN: Who is Nasty Nate Broughton?
NB: An underprivileged 24-year-old waiting to burst from the seams. Suburban urban with a pension, always running from something make believe and towards something else that was there all along.

TN: What country did your family claim before the “Lord’s country”?
NB: Crestwood. But the mall was good back then.

TN: What is your first memory?
NB: 7:30 pm, Blues on the radio. Me and my parents.

TN: Have you ever killed a man?
NB: Only on the inside. Unless those Indians we fired couldn’t find another job, then maybe.

TN: Would you ever kill a man?
NB: I’d rather kill a woman.

TN: If so, what weapon would you use?
NB: Passion, deceit, poison and a little bit of money laundering.

TN: What era do you consider yourself to be most like? The roaring twenties, the dirty thirty, the fighting forties, or hangin with the Fonz in the 50’s? Only one piece of advise for you: Don’t ever, under any circumstances, party with dudes wearing powered wigs!
NB: I don’t know what I’m most like but I would always choose the 1950’s, California, utopia. Everything was booming, everything was new, optimism abounded and I just can’t see a better time to be coming of age in our country’s history than then.

TN: Have you ever ran with scissors?
NB: Haven’t we all? If someone says ‘Don’t do that’ then what do you go off and do?

Recently my fair town has been getting some really bad press. Ok, maybe I should rephrase that. For the last 100 years, St. Louis has looked worse and worse, both in the press and in the flesh.

When the new “St. Louis - All Within Reach” slogan came out there were 10x as many people that wrote into the P-D making fun of it than actually commenting on the slogan or offering constructive criticism.

Truly, it has become a region-wide pastime to bash the place we live. Almost as synonymous with “STL” as t-ravs, red-capped hoosiers and Bud is the idea that we are inferior and downtrodden. How’s that for morale? I’m used to it by now, but the flood of stories that relect poorly on the greater St. Louis area just never subsides.

How about these doozies:

- 14-year-old chick hangs herself after being harassed on MySpace by disgruntled friend’s parents. Classic St. Charles white trash idiots here. Terrible story.

- St. Louis leads the U.S. in STD’s. Not the first time it’s been said either.

- St. Louis (St. George) cop goes ape shit on a kid for no reason. I was real happy to see how close this St. George was to where I live. I never even heard of the ‘town’. This actually was one instance in a parade of ‘cops being bad’ stories, tasering people and all that.

- St. Louis school district loses accreditation, and all that ‘hire a consulting firm to run the schools’ BS. Taken over by state. Guess I’ll be sending my kids to Webster or John Burroughs.

- St. Louis voted “Most Dangerous City in America“. I heard these stats are biased though because they don’t take into account houses with more than two television sets.

And all the other harsh realities about St. Louis city having the largest loss of population of an urban area in the history of the modern world, white flight/deseg/racism, losing those railroad contracts, Lambert losing TWA and 75% of it’s flights, not to mention that useless 2nd runway that forced thousands out of their homes, bad public transportation, and so on. Even the local 3rd baseman is talking shit about our manager. Travesty!

We have consistenly made poor decisions in civic planning, education, real estate development, city/county politics and in our relationships with our fellow residents. Sad really. It’s like you have to corner yourself in to the parts of town that you can enjoy and then close your eyes as you speed down the highway past all those that you’d rather just not know were there. That attitude is only fuel for the problem, but I have to admit I have it.

St. Louis - I want to love you but everyone is making it so hard. Well connected, remarkably centered and ‘all within reach’. Except pride.

Have you heard about the home of the free, the land of the brave?  Where there are more TV sets and automobiles than you can shake a drive-thru at?  Well here’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance to purchase your own slice of post-WWII Americana. 

McBride ans Sons is currently offering:

A sleek suburban ranch in the newest development in a ‘booming’ county far from racial minorities and those older strip malls that no one goes to anymore.  We’re talking 3 beds, 2.5 baths, a 2 car garage and a motherfuckin’ cement patio.

The large family (TV) room will comfortably accommodate your bulging wife, children and dog for nightly network programs, as well as up to 8 friends from the office for a ceremonial Sunday football game.  There is carpet throughout the home and it features a partially finished lower level that smells of particleboard.

The fenced backyard is large enough for an aluminum swimming pool and a BBQ pit.  Siding guaranteed not to rot for at least 8 years!  Rockwood schools.  Close to many growing satellite businesses - Edward Jones, Man in a Suit Insurance and 3 local bank branches.

The location is complemented by short drives to Target, O’Charley’s, Deals, Hardee’s, Walgreen’s, Blockbuster, Wal-Mart, Payless, Steak ‘n Shake, Starbuck’s, Old Navy, Bed Bath and Beyond, Home Depot, Chevy’s, OfficeMax, Toys ‘R Us, Best Buy, Costco, Culver’s and Phillips 66 (gonna need a refill, a 72 ounce soda and a ding dong eventually).  If you’re one of those high minded folks there is both a Bread Co. and a Borders nearby.

Many young families have shown interest in this development, citing such reasoning as:

“It’s just really nice to know I can let the kids roam the neighborhood and play.  I don’t have to worry about them congregating in a public park or mingling with people who aren’t of our race or general financial status.”

“We were looking for something a little cheaper and out here we can afford 2,200 sq feet.  After I finished college, I knew I had to get a house or else everyone else would think I was a failure.  I want to thank McBride and Sons for their foresight in developing this farmland and making a handsome profit off of me while I work to pay this bitch off for the next 30 years.”

“I’m really excited about getting into our new home.  We don’t care much for those fruits and moolies that go to museums, restaurants without 360 degrees of parking or any of them students at the university.  This here just fits.”

Also, a community board will be chosen next Fall to handle discussions of a possible playground and/or installing sidewalks.  But really, where you going to walk to?  Simply put, this charming ranch is the perfect place to raise a family to perpetuate urban sprawl and unyielding consumption of energy, consumer items, and land!  Just imagine how good it will feel to tell friends and family that “no one’s gonna tell me what to do with ma property.  This is 63021.”?  Open house this Saturday from 1-3 pm.

Interview with a Friend is an ongoing feature on TheGreatSuccess.com

This week we feature one Brant Bukowsky, a man who has already lived a great life at the ripe young age of 31. I probably should call this ‘Interview with a Mentor’ or something . . . but I’ve never been one to avoid mixing business and pleasure. Mentors/students, plutonic male bonding - it’s all the same in the land of a blog based on entertaining a small group of close friends. Let’s get started shall we?

TGS: First of all, thank you for taking time out of your day to do this interview. This is you right, not one of the assistants or housemaids?
BB: It is me (although this is being dictated).

TGS: Some people have probably been to your personal site and read about your early efforts as a budding entreprenuer. What was the funniest business that you ever tried to launch?
BB: When I was 9, I made some scratch off lottery tickets and sold them in class for 25 cents (I just used paper and the silver crayon in the Crayola 64 pack). I sold $5 worth of tickets and had $3 in winnings, making $2 in profits. It was a nice little gig until other dudes in the class started doing it and got caught (not to mention doing it at a loss) which put an end to it. “And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”

TGS: Who has been a greater influence on you, Lance Armstrong or Lance Harbor?
BB: Armstrong. (I didn’t know who Lance Harbor was until IMDB enlightened me. He is the blond in Varsity Blues whose eyes I could just get lost in.)

TGS: Isn’t it kind of ironic that you back one juiced up athlete (Armstrong) like he’s the second coming of Jesus and then bash another one (Bonds) like he works for the MO Attorney General?
BB: Bonds is a dick. Enough said.

TGS: Were you pissed about me bashing the phrase “Carpe Diem” a few weeks back?
BB: I was surprised to see you use the word “moderation” so much in a blog called The Great Success. What you are saying is excess is not particularly a good thing. In that respect moderation is good, but that is not related to Carpe Diem. Carpe Diem is about living life to the fullest, not about going balls out over one thing in particular. You can spend 8 hours at work, striving towards your goals, work out for an hour, watch the Office, play Golden Tee, and that is all moderate, but it can still be considered Carpe Diem. Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself, I like Dead Poets Society.

TGS: Changing pace here a bit, you first attended MU in 1995. Did you have to walk to Columbia that first year or did horses exist yet?
BB: The great horseless carriage was thriving by the time I reached college. I was lucky enough to drive a Dodge Daytona which later inspired the great Adam Sandler song “Ode to My Car”. The door handles rarely worked and I usually had to open the passenger door for girls which I was attempting to “Woo” only to have to ask them to open my door from the inside since I couldn’t get in. One time, during an ice storm, I opened both doors and then discovered I couldn’t close either of them. I used an extension cord that was in the back of my car to tie the doors together from the inside so they wouldn’t swing out while driving to class.

TGS: What were the hot spots back then?
BB: You, of course, just want to get me to say that I went to the Vu, even back then. And yes, I did and it was glorious. It was in the old candy store on Cherry Street. I sometimes walk by there and think of the young floozies I used to grind on.

TGS: You’re in the midst of planning the “Utopia” out there off Hwy 163. What are some of the requirements for admission into the cult (besides two commas in the bank)?
BB: Here is an excerpt from the neighborhood covenants:
“Article 5 (a) iii – No donkeys (in species or nickname) shall be permitted.”

TGS: You guys still shooting deer and other vermit out there?
BB: Mostly just trespassers.

TGS: How do you feel about Lindbergh beating Oakville in girls volleyball this year? That has to be embarrasing.
BB: That meant very little especially since there were more people watching the Nolte/Broughton vs Buk Brothers washers game and we all know how that turned out.

TGS: You know sometimes when you’re not around Brock and I like to laugh about the fact that you never got an Athlete of the Week award from the SoCo Journal like us. Of course I’ve never won an Inc 500 award, but they’re basically the same thing.
BB: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know about you and your high school glory days. And how you used to be able to knock a slap shot over a mountain and how you could have taken state if coach had put you in. By the way, isn’t it a bit ironic you two SoCo stars were never on a collegiate roster, unlike Mr. Division III.

TGS: I’m sure you saw my interview of Nolte a few weeks back. Give me 6 words that come to mind when you think of him.
BB: Old School. Disloyal. Vomit inducing. Pepperoni.

TGS: Quick Poll: If Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffett and Jesus were in concert together, who opens and who closes? Who’s t-shirt would you buy?
BB: I already have a Dave and Jimmy t-shirt, so I would have to say Jesus. Plus, it would bound to be able to do something cool like turn water into booze. Oh yeah, and Jesus would definitely play the encore aka “second coming”.

TGS: You’ve spoken a few times at MU. You’ve also been on a few panels at PubCon. Doing it for the thrill or for all the hot poontang?
BB: Since I grew up watching the Police Academy movies, I was under the impression that when you spoke in front of a podium, there was a hot girl under it that performed certain activities (although none of your readers will get this reference since most are barely old enough to shave). This is not the case, my friends, but it is nice to make connections.

TGS: Do you sometimes want to give up all this internet business and go back to teaching 2nd grade?
BB: When I was student teaching, at least I never had to put up with hung over people on Friday mornings. Dealing with hung over people is tolerable, but having to hear Rahn’s stories each and every week becomes insufferable. Teaching was a lot more fun, playing the business game buys the bottles of Grey Goose at Studio 54. And both are very rewarding, so it’s pretty even.

TGS: Or maybe at least running to be on The Apprentice again. Is that shit still on TV? Maybe Dancing With the Stars as a backup?
BB: I would have the best shot at being on Phenomenon with Cris Angel. I used to have some mad magic skills. You know what would be a good show? Instead of “Dancing with the Stars”, they should do “Dancing with Scumbags”. You could get people like Rahn on the show. They would have to dance with a chick and see who can make out with her the quickest. The audience, much like the people at Tonic, would vote by shaking their heads.

TGS: You and I have been on a lot of trips together. I think my favorite pastime is the Key West trip, good memories there. You got any particular favorties from Key West? 55 RBV’s has to be up there.
BB: 55 RBV’s can always be replicated with $$$. It was fun the first time because of the spontaneity and that will always be a good one. That is also why almost any activity instigated by Nate Long is a good one. Other notable moments include car bombs at 9 Fine Irishmen, when we saw those dudes playing spin the bottle at the club, entertainment for Phil’s bachelor party, hotel curtains, ShowMe Cardinals trip, your beach races with Jarad (followed the morning after with Jarad asking, ”Did I throw up last night in the water, while naked?” – the answer to all was a resounding “Yes”), PhotoHunt, and Narf adventures in about 6 different cities – to name a few.

TGS: I am kind of disappointed we weren’t able to reserve the room for the next 50 years.
BB: I agree, maybe we should just buy the hotel.

TGS: On a serious note, how long until we all have to start working for Blake instead of you? I saw him eyeing me at the tailgate, like “Dad may like you but I’m not so sure yet. I’m thinking of giving Donkey your position.”
BB: I think Blake does like Donkey over you, he spent 20 minutes last tailgate eating Donkey’s fingers. But seriously, I hope he does something on his own. If he wants to follow in Papa’s footsteps, great, but half of the fun of having success in business is building it. You should know, you have been a major part of that and been doing it with us for quite a while now.

TGS: For real though, through some stroke of luck I was able to find you and this company and it has made my life about 100x better. I don’t think I would be happy anywhere else. Thank you for being born. And if Blake takes over some day I’m okay with that, I’ll just take him to all the conferences and show him what’s up.
BB: You have been a major reason for our growth and we have gone through a lot of ups and downs together. But fortunately, every years things have continued to get better. You know the conference circuit better than anyone and he would have a blast, just warn him about the curtains.

TGS: What’s your favorite Seinfeld quote?
BB: That’s tough, the best one liner is probably:

“The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.”

I also like the bit where Kramer is working and Jerry asks what he is doing while at work:

Jerry: “How much are you getting paid?”
Kramer: “I don’t want any money.”
Jerry: “So what do you do down there all day?”
Kramer: “T.C.B. You know, taking care of business. Well, I gotta go. Ah, I can’t forget my briefcase.”
Jerry: “What have you got in there?”
Kramer: “Crackers.”

(This is funny because we used to have “Briefcase Bill” at ShowMe that would bring in a briefcase with nothing in it but candy and soda.)

TGS: Aiight, then. Thanks for taking part good sir. Time to go home and pray for FHA reform.