Interview with a Friend is back this week after a little hiatus.  And what better way to make a splash than to feature everyone’s favorite friend, the Local Donkey.  Yes, you read that right.  Let’s get to know the beast.

TGS: Would you liken yourself to George Costanza?  That episode where he gets fired on Friday and then comes back to work Monday like nothing happened kind of parallels your current situation doesn’t it?
LD:  There is certainly evidence supporting your theory “Hi, my name is George, I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”  I prefer to think of myself as more of a Kramer.  Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off my neighbors and have sex without dating.  That’s me, except for the sex part.

TGS: Has your mom ever walked in on you during heat?
LD:  Nah, the grunting and the neighing usually get pretty loud so she knows when to steer clear of my room.

TGS: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
LD:  I like to get the Daily News.

TGS: I will say, I have been impressed with your ability to grill meats, create drop shadows, and burn CDs.  There’s a place for us all in this world.  Speaking of the meats, I sometimes like to talk about which of my friends I would eat first and why.  Please fill in what you think each of these people would taste like and why.
LD: Brant – Brant probably tastes like money.  Not old money though, just new money.
Rahn – Although I would never actually eat anything remotely Rahn related, I’m convinced that if I did, it would taste like an old tennis shoe, maybe a Chuck All-Star some homeless guy has been wearing since the late 90’s.
Jay – Very lean, like a good steak, if marinated correctly.
Nolte – Lot of fat here, very bacony.
Mike – I imagine Mikey would taste like these Hot Gyro Fries I had this past weekend.  French Fries (steak cut) with some hot feta cheese on top.  Add some cooked up gyro meat and some swiss on top of all of that and that’s what Mike would taste like.
Dipps – When you cook Dipps I think the room will permeate with that new car smell but he’ll actually taste pretty similar to Mike’s Worst Nightmare.
Your Sister – I’m not sure how I’m supposed to answer this.  Chicken?

TGS: Omar got got yo!
LD:  Oh indeed.

TGS: Please describe to me in 1 sentence your career in these sporting situations.
LD: High school wrestling:  Saw the lights of a lot of high school gyms as a wrestler.
High school soccer:  The bench was nice, Big Gay Rob and Jerry McD were pretty funny.
Touch football on Stankonia:  Torn ACL waiting to happen.
Indoor soccer in ‘06:  A lot of heart, a lot of hustle, and a distinct lack of skills.  That actually sums up my life pretty accurately.
O’Snaps softball:  Can’t hit, can’t run, can’t catch, you guys won’t let me off the bench, and I still got hurt.
SEGA hockey:  I feel I was a fine replacement for Mr. Blackmon and a fast learner.  Lead man gets the puck, always forecheck, bury the one timers.

TGS: 7 shots, 8 shots, 9 shots, 10 shots.  Hot damn boy that’s a lot of alcohol.
LD:  That would’ve been a really bad night for everyone if I hadn’t puked up those shots and the laxatives you and Jenkerson were putting in them.

TGS: How much did it cost for you to get the steering wheel moved from the right side to the left side in that Volvo wagon you used to drive?
LD:  I think that was the bulk of the $2,000 we paid for the car.

TGS: What South County bar is the best?
LD:  They’re all equally bad.  O’Leary’s is decent because I know the bartenders and get discounted drinks, always a must for an alcoholic.  I would never go to Hessler’s, but their pitchers couldn’t possibly get any cheaper.  Plus who doesn’t like running into Tiffany Trolinger, any combination of Baker brothers, Andy Luese, and Bobby Reese.  I hate my life.

TGS: Do you think you’ll always be a token SoCo bar rat?  Maybe later we can go grab some Whitie’s, cruise L-bergh and gain weight.  I can’t wait to go to your wedding at Two Hearts banquet center.
LD: No.  I will leave SoCo forever as soon as price isn’t the only determinant of where I go to drink, so maybe I won’t actually leave.

TGS: What is the key to making a great 3 bowls of pasta?
LD:  You’ve got to boil the water just right.  Oh, and copious amount of parmesan cheese.

TGS: Describe to me the progress you have made in the last few years in your efforts to revitalize the city of St. Louis.  If you want, I can leaflet the West End and try to get you elected alderman.  Or I can roofie Joe Edwards and you can take advantage of him.  You can give him the old 1-2 with a flamingo, live or stuffed.
LD:  As of right now the only progress I’ve made is pumping more money than I thought I had into the South County bar and restaurant scene.  Apparently I’m big on procrastination.  If I wasn’t I’d be spending all my time figuring out how to fix a broken schools system, lower crime, or at least the perception of crime, and get people to move into and stay in the city.

TGS: There’s a little segment in With Honors where Joe Pesci’s homeless character (who kinda looks like you) asks the anal roommate, “Why do you think the kids tease you so much Jeffrey?”.  He responds, “There jealous because I’m so handsome.”  Pause.  Pesci responds, “Do you know why you hate me so much Jeffrey?  Because I look the way you feel.”  Now, first of all, do you think the reason people like to razz on you so much is because of your good looks?  Also, do you look the way you feel?
LD: Yes and yes.  Pesci had a beard in that movie, didn’t he?

TGS: How many hours did it take you to shave your back before going to Vegas?
LD: It wouldn’t have taken so long if one of you guys had helped me out.

TGS: They don’t call you the best wheel man in the business for nothing.
LD:  Funny how they stopped calling me that after I used a curb to destroy a tire on your car.

TGS: Thanks for your time Gringo D., I’ll see you around the way.  Well, probably at Ronnie’s.
LD:  All in the game yo, all in the game