Interview with a Friend is an ongoing feature on TheGreatSuccess.com

So I know you what you’re thinking - “He doesn’t have more than 3 friends?” No dammit, Nolte just thought it would be fun to flip the script once and interview me for a change. I still have plans to hit all of you up with bone-jarring questionnaires. And as I am thrilled to see that this site is still up and functioning after a brief hiatus, let us get on with the post. You’ll remember Tom from the first installment of Interview with a Friend. This time, he’s dropping the question marks.

TN: “Because of you eew ew eeewwwwww I’m afraid”….. (finish this thought)
NB: That there’s no place like home.

TN: In the previous statement I was quoting not Kelly Clarkson but Kelly and Reba. So, going from that, who do you see your self more as?
NB: The only person I know from popular culture named “Reba” is that 68-year-old country twanger that I believe was last seen with a Channel 11 sitcom. I guess I’m like Kelly Clarkson because she’s not older than my grandma. I do love when they dub her shit over cutaways from the California coast to girls walking into shops. Their names flash on the bottom left hand corner. Even though they are the main characters and this is the 32nd episode. What if they did that on Roseanne? Darlene comes down the stairs and we get a “DARLENE – Roseanne’s Younger Daughter”.

TN: Do you know how to mend chicken wire?
NB: I helped Kyle make a chicken coop during one of our learning lab classes. They use chicken wire in place of glass on the roller rink in Lincoln, NE. That’s the extent of my knowledge on chicken wire.

TN: Are you hard? And if so, how hard are you?
NB: Somewhat. I’m as hard as feeling good about yourself in the presence of other humans. I’m as hard as 76-29. Feed me robot juice, play the hook.

TN: I notice how much you like spending 75 bones on a t-shirt lately, do you ever think you’ll own your own sweat shop?
NB: Now see I know you just wanted to bring up some style question after I made that ’03 comment, but I haven’t been getting those t’s lately. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been getting other crap. I’m well aware that I have a crack-like addiction to spending money on clothes and I have no idea how to stop it. I find comfort in knowing that it was a problem well before I had any money at all. That’s how I know it’s really me in there.

I used to empty my bank account for jeans and so I know that when all the fun stops I’ll be left cold and alone with a slim fitting set of Paper Denims. I’m okay with that. And truth be told, all my favorite shirts are from Goodwill or were free. Of course if I were you and Mike those two characteristics would go hand in hand eh (must you steal from them)?

TN: Should I wear a cape more often?
NB: Absolutely. If you wore a cape, people would always have their eyes on you. Always be interested in what THAT guy is doing. You’d be a damn celebrity and eventually you could parlay that into financial benefit. All these people going to school and joining clubs, just put on a cape and put yourself in the public eye and eventually you’ll be better for it. Look at the towel man.

TN: Explain to the locals why you have so much respect for trees.
NB: Trees are quiet and they are wise. They were here before us and they will be here partying it up long after we’ve gone the way of corduroy. They take a lot of shit from people, have their numbers dwindled by murderous crews seeking profit or idleness, and they hold strong. I think there’s an unspoken amount of respect among us all when we look up at a big tree, problem is they can be hard to find for many of us, which is the other aspect that fuels my unwavering respect.

If there’s a big tree to your left, chances are you’re in a neighborhood with some good history. Brick houses. A story. Or you’re out in untouched land. In between lies the plasticated, soulless advance of sprawling commerce and row houses. It’s all relative to your time and place - but god bless the trees.

TN: If you could be a member of B.O.N.E. which member would you be and why?
NB: The one that comes in right after Biggie on Notorious Thugs. He seems to rap the fastest. Although Krayzie is good too.

TN: As you can tell from my questions, I seem to have a severe case of A.D.D. Is this a made up disease by a bunch of damn stinkin’ hippies or is it a valid sickness?
NB: Hippies don’t create diseases, they create annoyances. ADD is not a disease. It’s progress, can’t you see it?

TN: Are you down with the sickness (in general, not related to the last question)
NB: Man . . . I guess so. Is it on Kidz Bop yet?

TN: Who is your role model?
NB: I have many – Jeff Lenzen, Brant Bukowsky, Tom Nolte, and some combination of my dad and Russell from Stillwater.

TN: We used to hang out at one point in time. Do you have any memories that you would like to share with the public about our episodes?
NB: Well, kicking you down that hill was great. A Monday night in 2003. Your inability to open a door to vomit. The years 2004-2005 can’t really be rehashed in one sitting. This one night where I was driving us home and you were in the backseat just cracking yourself up, but I couldn’t laugh cause Kristi was in the front and not happy about the situation. I’m sorry, I suck at this because I loved them all.

TN: Let’s pretend for a second we are celebrating Festivus. We have made it to the airing of grievances and it is your turn.

NB:
Tim: We never lift weights or swim at your house anymore and it makes me feel lonely.
Tom: Sometimes I’m scared you’re going to move to an outlying county and I won’t ever see you again.
Chuck: I hate how you are so content in life. Teach me.
Mike: You grow your hair out and it looks cool but I can’t. Why?
B-Check: You’re hot, you’re cold, black and white. Live in the gray.
Brant: This isn’t over and it’s not going to be until something big happens.

TN: If you ever become a multi millionaire do you think you will lose all of the hair on your head and the try to compensate with facial hair?
NB: I think I will make half-ass attempts at all 3 of the things you mention above and never fully get to any of them. I’ll probably have $800,000, a receding yet present hairline and 3 day old stubble that I’m about to shave.

TN: Are you a dollar menuaire?
NB: I think that’s a toilet option in our loft.

TN: Who is in your line up, and why?
NB: I wish I could drop an audio file of you announcing these. I need a sport though. Maybe SEGA hockey? This is probably the All-Time First Team from our Boulder days:

C – Nick Lachey
RW – Tom Fitzgerald
LW – Dean Youngblood
RD – Jeff Labowski
LD – Herme Kadsopolous
G – Julie ‘the Cat’

Although I really hate putting one of Will’s stupid characters on the list. Black actors? I’ll make them the L.A. Kings? What is wrong with that kid.

TN: I have to ask the famous question. What is your favorite experience with me (hopefully nonsexual)?
NB: Cutting across the neutral zone, you coming from behind the net and hitting me with a pass. Seriously.

TN: About you:

TN: Who is Nasty Nate Broughton?
NB: An underprivileged 24-year-old waiting to burst from the seams. Suburban urban with a pension, always running from something make believe and towards something else that was there all along.

TN: What country did your family claim before the “Lord’s country”?
NB: Crestwood. But the mall was good back then.

TN: What is your first memory?
NB: 7:30 pm, Blues on the radio. Me and my parents.

TN: Have you ever killed a man?
NB: Only on the inside. Unless those Indians we fired couldn’t find another job, then maybe.

TN: Would you ever kill a man?
NB: I’d rather kill a woman.

TN: If so, what weapon would you use?
NB: Passion, deceit, poison and a little bit of money laundering.

TN: What era do you consider yourself to be most like? The roaring twenties, the dirty thirty, the fighting forties, or hangin with the Fonz in the 50’s? Only one piece of advise for you: Don’t ever, under any circumstances, party with dudes wearing powered wigs!
NB: I don’t know what I’m most like but I would always choose the 1950’s, California, utopia. Everything was booming, everything was new, optimism abounded and I just can’t see a better time to be coming of age in our country’s history than then.

TN: Have you ever ran with scissors?
NB: Haven’t we all? If someone says ‘Don’t do that’ then what do you go off and do?