Interview with a Friend is an ongoing feature on TheGreatSuccess.com

This week we feature one Brant Bukowsky, a man who has already lived a great life at the ripe young age of 31. I probably should call this ‘Interview with a Mentor’ or something . . . but I’ve never been one to avoid mixing business and pleasure. Mentors/students, plutonic male bonding - it’s all the same in the land of a blog based on entertaining a small group of close friends. Let’s get started shall we?

TGS: First of all, thank you for taking time out of your day to do this interview. This is you right, not one of the assistants or housemaids?
BB: It is me (although this is being dictated).

TGS: Some people have probably been to your personal site and read about your early efforts as a budding entreprenuer. What was the funniest business that you ever tried to launch?
BB: When I was 9, I made some scratch off lottery tickets and sold them in class for 25 cents (I just used paper and the silver crayon in the Crayola 64 pack). I sold $5 worth of tickets and had $3 in winnings, making $2 in profits. It was a nice little gig until other dudes in the class started doing it and got caught (not to mention doing it at a loss) which put an end to it. “And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”

TGS: Who has been a greater influence on you, Lance Armstrong or Lance Harbor?
BB: Armstrong. (I didn’t know who Lance Harbor was until IMDB enlightened me. He is the blond in Varsity Blues whose eyes I could just get lost in.)

TGS: Isn’t it kind of ironic that you back one juiced up athlete (Armstrong) like he’s the second coming of Jesus and then bash another one (Bonds) like he works for the MO Attorney General?
BB: Bonds is a dick. Enough said.

TGS: Were you pissed about me bashing the phrase “Carpe Diem” a few weeks back?
BB: I was surprised to see you use the word “moderation” so much in a blog called The Great Success. What you are saying is excess is not particularly a good thing. In that respect moderation is good, but that is not related to Carpe Diem. Carpe Diem is about living life to the fullest, not about going balls out over one thing in particular. You can spend 8 hours at work, striving towards your goals, work out for an hour, watch the Office, play Golden Tee, and that is all moderate, but it can still be considered Carpe Diem. Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself, I like Dead Poets Society.

TGS: Changing pace here a bit, you first attended MU in 1995. Did you have to walk to Columbia that first year or did horses exist yet?
BB: The great horseless carriage was thriving by the time I reached college. I was lucky enough to drive a Dodge Daytona which later inspired the great Adam Sandler song “Ode to My Car”. The door handles rarely worked and I usually had to open the passenger door for girls which I was attempting to “Woo” only to have to ask them to open my door from the inside since I couldn’t get in. One time, during an ice storm, I opened both doors and then discovered I couldn’t close either of them. I used an extension cord that was in the back of my car to tie the doors together from the inside so they wouldn’t swing out while driving to class.

TGS: What were the hot spots back then?
BB: You, of course, just want to get me to say that I went to the Vu, even back then. And yes, I did and it was glorious. It was in the old candy store on Cherry Street. I sometimes walk by there and think of the young floozies I used to grind on.

TGS: You’re in the midst of planning the “Utopia” out there off Hwy 163. What are some of the requirements for admission into the cult (besides two commas in the bank)?
BB: Here is an excerpt from the neighborhood covenants:
“Article 5 (a) iii – No donkeys (in species or nickname) shall be permitted.”

TGS: You guys still shooting deer and other vermit out there?
BB: Mostly just trespassers.

TGS: How do you feel about Lindbergh beating Oakville in girls volleyball this year? That has to be embarrasing.
BB: That meant very little especially since there were more people watching the Nolte/Broughton vs Buk Brothers washers game and we all know how that turned out.

TGS: You know sometimes when you’re not around Brock and I like to laugh about the fact that you never got an Athlete of the Week award from the SoCo Journal like us. Of course I’ve never won an Inc 500 award, but they’re basically the same thing.
BB: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know about you and your high school glory days. And how you used to be able to knock a slap shot over a mountain and how you could have taken state if coach had put you in. By the way, isn’t it a bit ironic you two SoCo stars were never on a collegiate roster, unlike Mr. Division III.

TGS: I’m sure you saw my interview of Nolte a few weeks back. Give me 6 words that come to mind when you think of him.
BB: Old School. Disloyal. Vomit inducing. Pepperoni.

TGS: Quick Poll: If Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffett and Jesus were in concert together, who opens and who closes? Who’s t-shirt would you buy?
BB: I already have a Dave and Jimmy t-shirt, so I would have to say Jesus. Plus, it would bound to be able to do something cool like turn water into booze. Oh yeah, and Jesus would definitely play the encore aka “second coming”.

TGS: You’ve spoken a few times at MU. You’ve also been on a few panels at PubCon. Doing it for the thrill or for all the hot poontang?
BB: Since I grew up watching the Police Academy movies, I was under the impression that when you spoke in front of a podium, there was a hot girl under it that performed certain activities (although none of your readers will get this reference since most are barely old enough to shave). This is not the case, my friends, but it is nice to make connections.

TGS: Do you sometimes want to give up all this internet business and go back to teaching 2nd grade?
BB: When I was student teaching, at least I never had to put up with hung over people on Friday mornings. Dealing with hung over people is tolerable, but having to hear Rahn’s stories each and every week becomes insufferable. Teaching was a lot more fun, playing the business game buys the bottles of Grey Goose at Studio 54. And both are very rewarding, so it’s pretty even.

TGS: Or maybe at least running to be on The Apprentice again. Is that shit still on TV? Maybe Dancing With the Stars as a backup?
BB: I would have the best shot at being on Phenomenon with Cris Angel. I used to have some mad magic skills. You know what would be a good show? Instead of “Dancing with the Stars”, they should do “Dancing with Scumbags”. You could get people like Rahn on the show. They would have to dance with a chick and see who can make out with her the quickest. The audience, much like the people at Tonic, would vote by shaking their heads.

TGS: You and I have been on a lot of trips together. I think my favorite pastime is the Key West trip, good memories there. You got any particular favorties from Key West? 55 RBV’s has to be up there.
BB: 55 RBV’s can always be replicated with $$$. It was fun the first time because of the spontaneity and that will always be a good one. That is also why almost any activity instigated by Nate Long is a good one. Other notable moments include car bombs at 9 Fine Irishmen, when we saw those dudes playing spin the bottle at the club, entertainment for Phil’s bachelor party, hotel curtains, ShowMe Cardinals trip, your beach races with Jarad (followed the morning after with Jarad asking, ”Did I throw up last night in the water, while naked?” – the answer to all was a resounding “Yes”), PhotoHunt, and Narf adventures in about 6 different cities – to name a few.

TGS: I am kind of disappointed we weren’t able to reserve the room for the next 50 years.
BB: I agree, maybe we should just buy the hotel.

TGS: On a serious note, how long until we all have to start working for Blake instead of you? I saw him eyeing me at the tailgate, like “Dad may like you but I’m not so sure yet. I’m thinking of giving Donkey your position.”
BB: I think Blake does like Donkey over you, he spent 20 minutes last tailgate eating Donkey’s fingers. But seriously, I hope he does something on his own. If he wants to follow in Papa’s footsteps, great, but half of the fun of having success in business is building it. You should know, you have been a major part of that and been doing it with us for quite a while now.

TGS: For real though, through some stroke of luck I was able to find you and this company and it has made my life about 100x better. I don’t think I would be happy anywhere else. Thank you for being born. And if Blake takes over some day I’m okay with that, I’ll just take him to all the conferences and show him what’s up.
BB: You have been a major reason for our growth and we have gone through a lot of ups and downs together. But fortunately, every years things have continued to get better. You know the conference circuit better than anyone and he would have a blast, just warn him about the curtains.

TGS: What’s your favorite Seinfeld quote?
BB: That’s tough, the best one liner is probably:

“The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.”

I also like the bit where Kramer is working and Jerry asks what he is doing while at work:

Jerry: “How much are you getting paid?”
Kramer: “I don’t want any money.”
Jerry: “So what do you do down there all day?”
Kramer: “T.C.B. You know, taking care of business. Well, I gotta go. Ah, I can’t forget my briefcase.”
Jerry: “What have you got in there?”
Kramer: “Crackers.”

(This is funny because we used to have “Briefcase Bill” at ShowMe that would bring in a briefcase with nothing in it but candy and soda.)

TGS: Aiight, then. Thanks for taking part good sir. Time to go home and pray for FHA reform.